Living, loving

Photographs from September-October 2018.

“It always makes me proud to love the world somehow — hate’s so easy compared.”

Everything happened so fast. All mixed together, the good and the bad. October 2018 feels not only distant in the past but like a completely different life. 

Found myself making decisions that were far away from the traveler, bohemian lifestyle that I was used to. For the first time, I felt the overwhelming privilege of having options to choose from.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give up traveling and freedom, in exchange for comfort and security. Funny now that I know those words weren’t on the menu for the next year, no matter what.

And in the middle of it all, that phone call from overseas that broke my heart yet again, making everything even more difficult.
Endings, beginnings, lessons. So much confusion. Now in perspective I can connect dots, and see how it was all warning me of change, pointing at everything that was coming my way. 

“Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling”

I’m writing this now a year later, while I’m in the middle of the biggest chaos. I’m scared, feeling like I could easily lose everything. I can barely control my anxiety.
Yet I find myself looking back at pictures and writings from a year ago and I feel a bit better, because everything that happened at that time doesn’t hurt anymore. The wounds are healed, no scars and only love is left to remember.

It gives me hope, to think that a year from now none of this nonsense will matter, this pain and confusion will be long gone and I will be happy again to wake up in the morning.

“- For the first time in my life I’ve stopped thinking of myself as a child imitating an adult. 

– You feel that way too?”

What do I do about the way I feel?

Everyone is always telling me how very sensitive I am, and I can never tell if it is meant as a good or a bad thing. I think it’s ok.
S tells me that my oversensitiveness makes me special. We feel everything intensely, including pain and that’s why we have this need to write, to create.
Just one of the many reason we are best friends.

So maybe, I need to fully embrace this intensity, instead of apologizing for it.
And maybe quit hiding behind a happy, bubbly mask around others, only to end up feeling empty and drained when I’m left alone with myself.

This too shall pass

This months. What a ride.
Meaning and contradiction. Pride, accomplishments, shame, sorrows. Good decisions as well as pretty terrible ones. A lot of good hard work. And a lot of disappointment.
So much energy wasted on the wrong places… But I have no space for regrets.

And more than anything, a year of so much friendship. So many new people entering my life to put it upside down and show me that even if I feel lonely when things are fucked, I’m most certainly not alone.

Thank you.

-Things will happen in your life that you can’t stop, but that’s no reason to shut out the world. 
There’s a purpose for the good and for the bad.”

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