Go your own way

Photo diaries. Melbourne January to March 2019

“19. Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.”

It was always my thing.
Long walks with music. For as long as I’m walking, I’m free. It takes me somewhere else, a place that exists only in my mind.
Walking feels so good, I just don’t want to get to my destination because that’s when I’m pulled back into reality.

I don’t know when or why it stopped. Sometime over the last few years, I quit walking, dreaming.

“Nighttime is my time for just reminiscing”

I knew it as soon as it started again.
Every night after work. Music on and walk all the way home. It was so sudden. As if I had never stopped. So good I didn’t want to get home even if I was insanely tired after a long shift at the studio.
Something was recovered. It was like waking up.

“I get by with a little help from my friends”

Those first three months were good. Despite the confusion and the pain. I was on a honeymoon with myself.
Bittersweet chaos.“You got what you needed, even if it sucks”. That’s what my friend Aislin said to me.

2019 gave a new significance to the word “friendship”.
Old and new ones. And so many of them. I hadn’t felt it like this before… or in a very long time.
Ah, the incredible conversations with a drink or two or five.
And all that coffee. Today for you, tomorrow for me. Makes up for everything else, gives the shitty things meaning as they make for great stories to share with friends and make fun of it all.
I can’t believe I didn’t know some of them a year ago when I can’t picture my life without them in it.

“I was surprised, as always, by how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt.
The world was suddenly rich with possibility.”

Nothing is the same.
It’s scary but also quite a relief that if your life doesn’t make sense anymore you can make a total plot twist just with one decision.
It’s funny, until recently I felt so behind, thinking everybody else knew what they were doing. But the great thing is, nobody does. Everyone is confused even if they do a great job hiding it.

“Oh M, your life is so exciting”. People…
It’s not easy, it’s quite messy and difficult. It’s unscripted. I don’t have answers like I used to. But I fucking love it even when I hate it.
Because now I’m sure I’m alive. I feel and live and I have so much love. And I’m constantly so inspired, creating more than ever. It can be overwhelming but I still choose this life.
Some days I wish I could take a break and have a more boring one. I guess those days I’m just tired.

It’s been a ride. Crazy but great.

“Querías te, pues toma tres teteras.”

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