Diaries March – May 2018

 

“Let us always meet each other with smiles, for the smile is the beginning of love“

 

Those defining moments. Lessons we sometimes have to learn from pain and confrontation. Why is it that some people are determined to unlearn them? Is it because they want to forget the pain?
I cling to my pain in the same way that I cling to my joy. How great to live, to feel. There are no absolute truths in life, yes… but there are some truths your heart knows and your mind wants to ignore.

How long is now?
Do yourself a favor, forget about the money. You can always make more money. I can only think of one currency with real value to me, and that is time.
Every passing second, hour, day, month and year, you won’t have the chance to win back. Visualize your life in minutes, and then in seconds, and imagine those seconds are cents. And decide how you want to spend them.
Come up with the age at which you would like to die realistically, and begin a countdown.

Me, I want to make the most of my time on earth, I invest my time in memories, souvenirs of my passing through this life. Others like to invest time in making money, and get lots of fancy things. If it makes you happy.

Me personally, all the things I truly enjoy cost me little to no money.

*

“Nada de ti, nada de mi, una brisa sin aire soy yo. Nada de nadie.”

 

While working sometimes my brain goes out of control and I can’t help but reflect on all the things that I don’t really want to think about.
Every day is more clear to me how important it is that I visit Barcelona this year. I need to, even though it’s gonna be hard. Even though I’m scared of the feelings I’ll encounter once I’m there. I need to do it, I need to face them. It is good to feel even if it hurts, just a reminder that I’m alive.

“People are the strict ones. Rules are nothing but words written in a paper”.

Time moves fast and my anxiety is growing big. I don’t get it, why do I find myself incapable of facing this trip the same way I do with all my adventures? It’s too much to think about, and it’s chaotic in my mind, so I made a list:
1. Money
2. Family. Mom, her intensity. Dad and his silences. My brother not being well. Roxie being old. They will all become real again.
3. The city, my city. Though not really anymore.
4. My friends, all the things I’ve missed these past years.
5. Being and feeling all alone.

 

*

The Monk asked what had changed in the years that had passed. The father explained how the family’s fortune changed. “You know, we used to have a cow. She kept us alive. We didn’t own anything else. One day she fell down the cliff and died. To survive, we had to start doing other things, develop skills we didn’t know we had. We were forced to come up with new ways of doing things. It was the best thing that ever happened to us! We are now much better off than before.”

A few weeks ago I wrote about having a good attitude towards life and that the key to happiness is being grateful.
Now, something unexpected happens, and I am so disappointed with life that I don’t want to get out of bed. I feel like a failure for not being capable of living up to my own words, like I have to swallow what I wrote when I was in a much better place.
A few hours later, I’m still thinking about it all, and I then realize how it actually is the other way around. I can learn from my own words and lessons.
Feeling a bit better I see now clearly, this was meant to happen. A tiny window closes to open a huge door. This thing I just lost was my cow and someone who maybe didn’t have the best intentions actually did me a great favor by killing the cow for me. I am now free to move on with my dreams. No excuses, nothing to lose. All I can do now is actually try.
I regain perspective. I reflect on how lucky I am looking back to the things I experienced these past 3 years. And I feel blessed.

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer feeling fine