A room of one’s own

“There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.”

The fear and anticipation of loss can be much more painful than the loss itself. That’s what I’ve learned.
An ending brings relief, takes away all the worrying, the what-ifs, the anxiety. No more stress. You feel both sad and calm, knowing now that the real outcome is not nearly as bad as the scenarios you had created in your mind.

You find yourself dealing with things way better than you imagined, stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for.
You were holding on to things so stubborn and didn’t even question why. Things you thought you wanted, things you didn’t imagine living without… But at some point, holding onto some things becomes hard work, a heavy load you carry every day. I guess you have to let go of what it is, so it can become something else. And just like that, move onto bigger and better things. Remember: “What’s yours will find you.”

For so very long, I have carried every day the fear of losing… it consumed my life, and all I lost was myself. I was so scared, I wasn’t present in my own life.

But life is loss, and everyone is scared. Once you understand this, it’s up to you. Give up or keep going. Life will catch up with you anyways, so you might as well try and make the best out of what you’ve been given. Even if you feel you don’t deserve it. That’s lazy. Take every gift and let it inspire you to work harder and be better. Maybe we simply fear making choices, trying to make life still in an attempt to stop time. But time keeps pouring and if you don’t make a choice when you still can, life will make it for you and that’ll be it. So live. Do your time, before it does you.

At a time when I felt very lost, a friend told me: “Do things that make you feel less small. Do the things that make you feel powerful.” It still helps me to this day.

2019 was a strange year, a complicated but wonderful kind of a mess that shook up my life. I thought I would take from it a hidden lesson, but as I struggled to find any answers for a long time, I couldn’t move on from it and much less write about it.
Fast forward to December 2020. Life is different, still complicated. It’s weird, but somehow it all feels beautifully synchronized. Past and present come together, bringing lessons and the closure I had wished for. Showing me how to let go. My future needs me, my past doesn’t.

“… because life is lived forward, but only understood backward”.

Photos from April to July 2019.

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